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Deal With The Problem

By bro Lee Tian Seng

The Bible teaches us that anger should be resolved “before the sun goes down.”

Ephesians 4:26-27 - “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

In the same way, when there is a problem in the marriage, couples should work together to resolve it quickly. Couples should arrange for a right time and place to talk about the problem. The goal is to seek a reconciliation of the marital relationship.

Matthew 5:24 - Leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

It is crucial for couples to have this goal in mind when they come together to talk about their problems to avoid the following:

1. Blame - Some meetings are not fruitful because one or both parties seek to use the meeting to prove the mistakes of the other person. We should be mindful that we ourselves could have also contributed to the problem. Also, coming in with a “blaming” stance will usually put the other person on the defensive, making him or her not open to the discussion.

Matthew 7:3-4 - And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye?

2. Harm – One or both parties might take the opportunity to attack the other person in the meeting, and both end up quarrelling. We should not hit back at the other person because God said that we are not to seek vengeance, even if we are wronged.

Romans 12:17-19 - Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.

3. Winning – Couples should not go into the meeting seeking to win an argument or to prove that the other person is wrong, as many are tempted to do. One could be able to speak better or even louder to prove his or her points, but that does not help because the problem is still unresolved and the other person is left feeling upset.

James 1:19-20 - So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Our goal in the meeting should be to seek reconciliation, and to be able to achieve that, we should consider the following:

1. Prayer – One of the most important thing to do is to pray that God will help you and your spouse to be humble, patient and understanding in the meeting. Remember that God will answer our prayers. Putting our problems before God also teaches us to submit to His will in the way we resolve our problems.

James 1:5-6 - If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.

2. Understanding – Couples should seek to understand each other in the meeting. This means that one should not keep talking but be willing to listen to the other person. Problems are often caused by misunderstandings. Couples should use the meeting to listen to each other’s perspectives and give each other a chance to explain himself or herself.

John 7:24 - Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.

3. Solutions – Couples should jointly work on the problems they have. Often, for the sake of peace, couples are tempted to “sweep their problems under the carpet.” We know when there is a problem that affects our relationship, we cannot afford to ignore it and wish it away without attending to it. You may not be able to solve a difficult problem in one meeting, but at least you have started to “do something” about it. It shows that you are committed to seek solutions to the problem and to keep the marital relationship.

The problem that you have could be huge like a mountain that seems impossible to move, but when you have faith and begin to work on the problem by talking to each other, it will surely move a bit.

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